Sunday, February 26, 2012


At the 84th Academy Awards, stars glistened, glared, and glowed. But, all that glitters isn't gold - or black. Anna Faris and Rose Byrne definitely didn't listen in for that cue, when they neglected to double check attesting to the same gown. Of course, travesty comes in all different shapes, sizes, and colours. Let me begin.

I could've inserted this selection at the conclusion of my piece, but I think I speak on behalf of everyone when I say "WTF?" Since when does Borat take vows of silence?

With her red hair and red gown, Emma Stone ensembles a true lady in red. Thanks to her classic beauty and talent, Emma has rightfully earned her place on the red carpet. But while that belt around her waist may accentuate her waist, that belt around her neck does not accentuate - her neck.

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's - superstar! Gwenyth Paltrow is wearing a cape, ahem, shawl to an awards ceremony? Not to mention all dressed in white? Is this a wedding or a Halloween party? Or perhaps life imitates art. That's one way to humbly step up as the queen of movies.

JLo certainly does not show any jello - or have any jello to show, for that matter. That dress is pretty tight and transparent, but JLo is booty-ful enough to pull it off. (Ok, enough for the butt jokes. Moving on...)

At first, I wasn't quite fond of this black and silver piece, but I insist - my heart grew fonder with time. It's a modern spin to your traditional/posh award show frock. The criss-cross neckline aligns Judy Greer's lean shoulders, while the vertical "stripes" further streamline her already svelte physique. Very figure flattering.

And then there are those dresses that don't streamline your body. Melissa McCarthy, you look like you've been swallowed up by a pink parachute - and no, that is not silver lining. Fashion tip: thin belts work wonders, not chunky ones.

The star is always golden - and the case should be no different for Meryl Streep. But, again, all that glitters isn't gold - and what's gold does not always glitter.

Michelle Williams may be no Marilyn Monroe (in real life, anyway), but she sure can execute pinup red lips and a strapless red dud at once. I'm just not too crazy about the waist. It sets the scene for Curly Sue's hair hanging in the shape of a chandelier.

Milla, Milla, look fabulous! I wouldn't wear white after Labour Day, but the sheen fabric and one shoulder warrant an A+ in my book.

Curvy gals do one better. Octavia Spencer beautifully represents the average woman in this short-sleeved rhinestone number. She may be fully covered, but the form fitting nature reveals everything we should see. Sexy and modest.

As for Rooney Mara...are you wearing a cone-shaped bra? Don't rob Madonna of her signature staple - on the red carpet, in front of everyone who's anyone! Of all places - you should know better! Guilty as charged. You are under arrest for committing a fashion felony.

Finally, Rose Byrne. Tsk, tsk. They say Anna Faris copied you, but I say you copied her. Black is slimming - and this dress is too slimming for your own good. Sorry.