Monday, October 4, 2010

Is Justin Bieber a 51-Year-Old Pedophile?

Not sure if this is true, but let's say it were true....

According to Onion News Network, Justin Bieber was arrested, because evidence has been discovered to suggest that he is really 51-year-old pedophile Michael Cote.

Earlier on this year, a picture of Bieber - at a concert with what appears to be a peeled facial mask - was posted on TMZ. There was also allegedly a search of his room and belongings, which revealed chloroform and duffel bags permeated with young girls' underwears.

Apparently, Michael (or Justin) created a fake identity and posed as a student at a Canadian high school, hired a coke-addicted prostitute to pretend to be his mother, and manipulated his teen pop star success to seduce pubescent girls in his lyrics and concerts. An early version of "One Time" that was found was actually entitled "Hold Still," which I think would be a quite self-explanatory phrase in this case.

Last but not least, there is a video of Michael Cote performing a song in a voice quite similar to Justin Bieber. Creepy.

This false story literally stimulated chills up my spine. If this is true, "Justin Bieber" is despicable. If this is untrue, then whoever fabricated this story is despicable. But, let's try to figure out the "logic" behind a theory about a teen "hunk" that has already circulated throughout the internet, in just a matter of hours.

First of all, it turns out Justin Bieber was in Toronto yesterday evening, performing at his friend/guitarist Dan Kanter's wedding at the Four Seasons Hotel. So, this news spread to the internet before that point. Wasn't he already arrested? Some may argue there are two Justin Biebers running around - one may be real, and one may be counterfeit.

Whoever's pulling the prank would have to prove that Michael Cote/Justin Bieber actually got away with attending a high school and various concerts and events, without anyone recognizing him. How could you not know? If you were a make-up artist doing his make-up - or a hairdresser styling his hair - you would've had to know he was wearing a wig or a mask...unless you were behind the whole scam, too.

I say the only way to know if Justin Bieber is really Justin Bieber is to go up to him, hold him down, and pull off his mask and wig. Apparently, this is illegal, because the police would be implementing excessive physical force to invade a person's privacy, but in the case where thousands of girls' lives may be at risk, I'm sure this could be made an exception.

But again, Justin was performing at a friend's wedding in Toronto last night, which would make this whole charades untrue. Now, what kind of person would create a collage of all this "evidence" and distribute a video of it on their website? Onion News Network, that's who.

Just look it up.

1 comment:

  1. You know that the Onion just does parodies, right? Did you seriously believe they were trying to convince people that Justin Bieber really was a 51-year-old pedophile?