Sunday, September 19, 2010


We all do it. Facebook almost programs us to be newly connotated "creepers." With newsfeeds and public/private profiles, you can view as much about a Facebook user's life - through their pictures, status updates, and information sections - to track down who they are and where they are this VERY second. Of course, users choose to make this information public, but thanks to hacking systems and so-called "applications" (as well as some individuals' desperation and obsession with certain ex-boyfriends or BFFs), anyone has the ability to take the game of Facebook too far.

So, what are you? Are you the "creep all you want but don't do anything about it," the "I don't give a rat's behind," or "I will be my own private investigator and GPS my boyfriend's whereabouts?" type? Take this quiz and find out.

1. Whether it'd be your only or third time today, your typical Facebook-creeping routine consists of:
a) checking your messages, writing on your friends' walls, and scrolling down your newsfeed
b) loitering the profiles of your friends, frenemies, and "lovers" to see what they've REALLY been up to
c) Bing-ing/Facebook-ing your latest infatuation/conquest to make sure he doesn't have a criminal record, girl toy - ya know, the usual.

2. You hear your best friend is talking smack about you through Facebook private messaging with other friends. You:
a) Facebook message her, informing her directly about what you've heard and asking for an explanation.
b) "rape" her wall with implicit messages that imitate what things she has reportedly said about you, like "oh, everyone knows what an attention whore I am" or "yes, I always touch other girls' boyfriends' shoulders while laughing at their jokes."
c) "hack" (or use passwords that have been shared with you) into your "best friend" or other friends' Facebook accounts to retrieve these conversations and check whether your friend really was talking behind your back. If it's true, you print out a record of the conversations and show them to her.

3. A random "Facebook friend" has been sending you anonymous messages in your Honesty Box. This user knows the address to your new house (and your address isn't listed). They have also seen what outfit you're wearing (and it's new). You fear that this person is actually stalking you and may try to attack you. You:
a) vent about your situation on your Facebook status to make all of your "friends" aware, so you can create a help and "safety" net. Any of your 250-pound male friends should scare your "secret admirer" off!
b) attempt to crack the mystery by yourself. You have read all of your stalker's messages yourself and can identify potential suspects - with the style of writing and information they have given you - through narrowing down your extensive friends list.
c) try and stalk them back! (Get a friend or) look at what's behind you (everytime you walk) or look outside your window (everytime you get dressed). Everytime you see a shadow of a lurking individual outside, follow them strategically to their desired location, even if it's to the men's washroom! Reply to their messages with threats and then - for the grand finale - call the police, so they can track the computer IP address down and arrest the SOB! That'll teach him!

4. You think your boyfriend is cheating on you. You suspect this, because apparently, he has another Facebook account that he won't add you on, and mutual friends are warning you that he always has women "flirting" with him on their wall post conversations. You:
a) physically go on the computer - with your boyfriend beside you - and locate for him this other Facebook account he has, so he knows you know that something's up.
b) teach him a little lesson - a little reverse psychology, if you will. You go on a consented guy friend's account and flirt with him (or create another account and flirt with random guys) to teach your boyfriend what it feels like for your partner to flirt with other people - in public, on a popular social networking website. So embarrassing.
c) Create a fake account as a gorgeous, sexy model-type who describes herself as "adventurous and open-minded" (translation: is the village bicycle; everyone gets a ride) and tempt him into meeting or cyber-sexting you, which will eventually lead to an intimate encounter presenting your real identity instead of the slutty supermodel or printing out your conversation and then showing it to your unfaithful boyfriend.

5. You didn't get the job of your dreams. You worked so hard and believed you excelled at the interview, but it's not your fault your possible boss is such an arrogant, presumptuous...(fill-in-the-blank). You want revenge, even though getting it wouldn't make you look too professional. But, you've also heard rumours that your could've-been-future employer is a child molester. You assume no charges have been made against him and no one you have talked to has actually seen him with children, but he does have an awful lot of 10-year-old girls on his Facebook. If he is a pedophile, the police have the right to know and protect the community's children. You:
a) consider that these 10-year-old female Facebook friends are most likely friends of his daughters or his relatives, but add him under a changed name - just to make sure he's not having regular and/or arguably suggestive conversations with any children on his Facebook wall. 
b) Contact police directly to see what they can do about it.
c) The police won't do anything with no evidence, so you pose as a child on Facebook and try to lure him into meeting you or talking to you on MSN (hey, undercover cops do it), or since you know where he works, you try following him to his office and to his home - and everywhere in between.


You don't constantly refer to Facebook to solve your problems or conduct "important" research. If you think a best friend is betraying your trust or a boyfriend's cheating on you, you just confront them face-to-face to judge their reactions and then take it from there. You don't prefer to assess relationships based on virtual modes of communication. You believe that seeing something for yourself - in person and not hiding behind a computer screen or deceitful words and images - shows the REAL truth. But, sometimes, you have to do a little digging to save your ass or a relationship. But, police shouldn't be slamming a restraining order on you anytime soon. Good job.

You implement extensive resources i.e. a Facebook friends list to solve a who-done-it?, without disrupting other people immediately with a lack of information. You may also take the time to play a prank on a frenemy or a boyfriend to reveal to them that you know that they have betrayed your trust. You don't believe in making a big freakin' deal out of everything before you have all the info with you, but you do think that making the investigative process fun - laughing at your "friend," while slipping jokes about gossip she's been spreading about you - or doing your research independently i.e. viewing friends' profiles and lists to eliminate vague suspects or suspicious data is alot more enjoyable than getting upset and jumping to conclusions. There are grey areas to what's considered "stalking" now on public, accessible online social networking websites, but you ensure that you draw the line at a reasonable place. 

You should either consider joining the RCMP forces (if you reside in Canada) or turning yourself in to the RCMP. You know a little bit too much - and will risk your life i.e. posing as a child to seduce perverts - to know that much. Leave it to the pros, please.        

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